Commentary on "Bambina" by Whitney Pugh

The idea of Whitney Pugh’s short story “Bambina” was interesting; I definitely felt the tension and trouble that Sophie was in. It was also successful how the story started off with action as the characters were set up and the reader was introduced to Sophie.

The dialogue is the main aspect that needs work, as it is inconsistent to the characters and the situations. In the very first scene when Sophie is bullying a kid out of money the kid replies, “Ah, man. Come on Sophie. How am I supposed to eat for the week? My dad’s getting suspicious; this is the third month in a row. What do you even do with all the money?” There are way too many words to communicate that the kid has any kind of genuine fear of Sophie. And even after Sophie punches him in the face he seems to sarcastically or jokingly call for help. After reading the rest, however, the joking manner doesn’t fit the tone of the rest of the story.

If Pugh was going for a mocking, sarcastic fat kid that didn’t mind getting bullied, the dialogue could stay pretty untouched but I would add more scene and narration to make clear the mockery.

Another part of the dialogue that I found unsuccessful was the way in which the story was explained through the conversations. The restaurant owner offers Sophie a cold drink to “cool [her] down since it’s so hot out there” when in reality, everyone in the scene would know the weather and to offer a cool drink would be enough.

Matteo was not a believable character. He wasn’t round and was way too perfect of a savior for Sophie. I think that maybe if Sophie overheard him yelling at the employees and talking less to Sophie, he could remain the hero but feel more plausible. I would also end the story on the way to the police station; trying to introduce the parents on such short notice didn’t work and left me unsatisfied. The mysterious working parents was working for me throughout.

The story has plenty of potential, can’t wait to see the revised version of it.