Commentary on "Days of Reckoning" by Amanda Redfoot

Amanda Redfoot’s story, “Days of Reckoning,” was well thought out and well written. It took me a little while to figure out what was going on and who was the protagonist, but I eventually caught on and it worked. But if the whole story is taking place in a courtroom, I think it needs to be brought back to the courtroom scene a few times during the course of the story. It’s hard to imagine the description and dialogue of the story Mr. Boham tells taking place in a courtroom. Maybe a simple introduction to the narrative part of the story like, “I told the Jury the best I could about the following events:” or something along those lines that would let the reader know that what he told the courtroom was not verbatim of what they were reading.

Surprisingly, I think Redfoot did a good job writing from a male perspective. The character was round enough with his devotion to his religion but still remained very dislikable which was Redfoot’s goal. Still I think just a little more specific of a personal detail about Boham would do a lot for his characterization. Maybe just a small detail about something good he did for his wife or daughter that isn’t sickening, or even just something for anyone in the community.

The dialogue was done well and captured a lot of the story. It gave the story an older feeling, which was cultish and helped to characterize and creepify the story even more.

One of the major things to work on in the story is some change in the character, but because he is telling the story and starts and ends still in the courtroom it doesn’t give much room for the character to change. If the story just started at the narrative part and the courtroom was eliminated, it could start even earlier and really show an arch in the character.

Analysis of "Once in a Lifetime" by Jhumpa Lahiri

Jhumpa Lahiri’s story, “Once in a Lifetime” is well written and a great, simple story. I spent two months in Calcutta (now Kolkata) and I really enjoyed the Indian details and imagery. Also I the depiction of the struggle for Indian-American’s balance of cultures was done very well; deciding what is betraying of your roots and what is simply progressing with the rest of the world is a struggle that a great many Indians all over the world struggle with.

As for the narrative arch of the story, it was definitely present and successful. The speaker, Hema, goes through change and maturity as she learns to live with the family that comes to stay in her home.

I also enjoyed the characterization of everyone in the story. As the visiting family gets more and more dislikable, there are subtle ways that Lahiri keeps them from getting too unlikeable and in the end the characters are completely turned around leaving the reader feeling that the way that they acted was excusable. The way that Kaushik is characterized as a rebellious and selfish teen is also rounded off when he shows Hema the gravestones and tells her the truth about his mother. It makes the long periods of time Kaushik spent alone carry much more weight, and it explains the attitude he seemed to have toward everyone else.

One of my favorite aspects of this story is the fact that it is not very complicated or complex. An Indian family has another Indian family over for a little while, which then turns into over a month, and the mother of the family has cancer. These are about the only major things that happen, but the story is still gripping and interesting throughout though Lahiri’s subtle use of dialogue and wonderful grasp of the art of details.

Commentary on "Tutti Fucking Frutti" by Meryll Hall

“Tutti Fucking Frutti” by Meryll Hall was definitely a story for a select audience. With the crude bitchyness and choppy sentences and endless outside referneces, it was the kind of story that would be great for the people it would be great for but leave everyone else in the dust.

I liked the underlying theme of lonliness told through the unreliable narrator but I think it could be played up even more. With Andrea walking around downtown and then only getting absently invited by text last minute to a distant acquaintance’s house was a great way to start the desperate characterization.

As a story, I didn’t see any arch or any change in the character. She started as a bitch full of allusions of popularity awesomeness and ended the same way. In order for the story to be worth reading, even to the specific audience that would be interested in it, there needs to be a story.

Some of the details were pretty good, with the flask falling out of her purse and the wilted flowers and the separated liquors, but it seemed that the details were too exaggerated and I still didn’t feel like I ever knew where I was in the story.

The fact that only one side of Andrea is ever seen is also a problem. I finished the story impressed that Hall could think someone up so awful but was so disgusted with Andrea that I barely remembered what happened in the story. Even if she is going to remain awful and self obsessed, she needs just a tiny bit of humanity shown within the story. Maybe she loves animals or she takes care of her sick dad or anything that forces the reader to not want her chopped up and left in a black trash bag in the woods.

I liked the underlying theme of lonliness told through the unreliable narrator but I think it could be played up even more. With Andrea walking around downtown and then only getting absently invited by text last minute to a distant acquaintance’s house was a great way to start the desperate characterization.

Commentary on "She Doesn't Deserve My Sandwich" by Melissa Darce

Melissa Darce’s story “She Doesn’t Deserve My Sandwich” was funny and full of fresh ideas. I liked the idea of a nosey fast food employee talking through the microphone to someone in the drive through and trying to give life advice. I liked even more that the protagonist took the advice and tried to save the relationship. Though the ideas were fresh and funny, the delivery was lacking.

The Wendell Berry trend of writing from the opposite sex’s point of view is getting old and I have still yet to have seen it done well. Berry and other authors that have tackled the job of writing for the opposite sex did a lot of work and research with that sex before putting there stories out, and it showed in the details. In Darce’s story, there was nothing to point to the fact that the speaker was a boy until Darce mentioned it, and beyond that it was just an angry flat character that had woman problems.

The dialogue wasn’t very believable and again was very angry and straightforward the whole time coming from the speaker. The dialect infused in the spelling of the words was also distracting and the flatness and racism of the Asian character was insulting.

The main issue with the story was the flatness of the characters. In order for the characters to be believable and likeable or genuinely dislikeable they need to show characteristics of both sides of the coin. If Lisa is supposed to be an annoying horrible girlfriend, she needs to show at least some side of kindness and humanity. The Asian and black characters can have thick accents if that’s what Darce wants, but by making the Asian a stereotypical idiot it takes away from the believability of the character and makes takes away from the story.

Commentary on "Love Thy Enemy" by Taylor Seibert

Taylor Seibert’s story “Love Thy Enemy” is about a young woman that gets abducted in the middle of the night and taken to a remote cabin where she is calmly and very disturbingly tormented for weeks. The writing was as good as it gets in this class and what I think everyone expected from Seibert. Her control of scene and setting and eye-popping descriptions and details drove the story almost flawlessly through to the end.

Something I learned from the story was a great way to pass the time. On page five Isabel lays down next to the fire; in the following paragraph she is still laying next to the fire but eighteen days have passed. The connection of the same image made the eighteen days a smooth and easy transition and was something that I’ve never thought about as an idea to pass time, especially monotonous time.

The only problem I had with the story was the plot, it worked in a structural sense, but I tried and I just couldn’t believe it. The only action that wasn’t completely robotic was the light punch when Isabel was first going in to the house. But almost three weeks of being pantsless in a one-room cabin in the woods didn’t lead to anything else? How was nothing else concerning or going on in Isabel’s head?

Too much emphasis was put on the message and not enough on the story. For a message to be successful, the story must stand alone without it. The greatest fables and parables are first stories; no matter the absurdity of the stories, they always have a fullness in plot and detail which makes the message believable and relatable.

Not enough can be said about the craft of the story, it felt natural coming off the page which is a good indication that it very naturally went onto the page. And it was very extremely and totally successful at making me feel quite uncomfortable. I checked over my shoulder multiple times. 

Commentary on "Renewed" by Whitney Pugh

Whitney Pugh’s story “Renewed” is about a man named Gerard who is interviewing a religious extremist who is incarcerated for an unknown reason. The story was very successful in its short length; it accomplished a full story arch in a short amount of time and didn’t leave the reader with too much left out.

What is lacking is description and setting and imagery. “Fully dressed in water” is an image that I enjoyed on the first page and anticipated more of, but as the story progressed then ended there are very few additional images. I was lost and not firmly placed in any setting for most of the story as I found out the protagonist was a man and that Daniel was in prison.

A minor detail that I noticed because I am constantly struggling with it is the inconsistency in tense. It bounces from past to present a few times and took me out of the story.

The dialogue in the story works in the beginning because of the unique interview setting, but the casual dialogue still feels like and interview and not like home life.

Another thing that can be improved is the passing of time. On page three, between the conversation on the couch and interviewing Daniel the next day, there is no feeling of passed time. A good way to pass the time and show that hours of sleep and night and morning routines had passed is to document the transit of the protagonist. That gives the writer a place to describe scene and setting and also a way someone travels is very telling about their character.

One of the details that I couldn’t really believe was that Gerard had a horrible home life. He may have been internally frustrated with the way his wife did and didn’t treat him, but the way it shows up on the page is not horrible at all.

Great as flash fiction, as a whole, the piece works. 

Analysis of Maile Meloy's "Ranch Girl"

Maile Meloy’s short story “Ranch Girl” is a story about a young girl that grows up on a ranch. The story is especially interesting because of the second person point of view that Meloy uses, forcing the reader into a strange frame of mind. The story has a very successful story arch as the protagonist grows and changes and learns about the world.

One of the ways Meloy succeeded greatly was in her use of details and little quips of advice and wisdom within the work. An example is in a conversation with Suzy, “ ‘Be interesting in your twenties,’ Suzy says. ‘Otherwise you'll want to do it in your thirties or forties, when it wreaks all kinds of havoc, and you've got a husband and kids.” Meloy added a simple dialogue that leaves the reader with something to think and laugh about. Another example of hidden wisdom is when Meloy speaks of Dale, “Dale stood around grinning, embarrassed, like a guy who'd beaten his friends at poker.” A formidable grasp of metaphor is powerful when used correctly.

Another way that Meloy creates a great story is with her little poetic details that tell a great deal of the story. Though there was a good amount of summary and telling in the story to set it up, Meloy made up for it with her use of detail, “At Andy's funeral, his uncle's band plays, and his family sets white doves free. One won't go, and it hops around the grass at your feet.” The addition of the detail about the dove that didn’t lift off was as import to the story as anything else. It told of the quality of the funeral, it set the mood for how little the people cared, and it made the already sad funeral scene even sadder.

Commentary on "Love Harder" by Kylie Putnal

Kylie Putnal’s story “Love Harder” was about a mother learning the importance of spending time with her family. The story was incredible for a first draft and was encouraging to read. It had all the elements of a story arch and the protagonist Nichole changes by the end. Putnal obviously makes time for quality reading and it really shows in her work; I remember her saying she liked Dickens, and I saw after reading that she wasn’t kidding, her intimate descriptions were proof of it.

There were some points where I was let down or unimpressed, but other points where I audibly made a sound of enjoyment. One of those parts was the introduction of Amber, to me it was a paragraph of perfection. The lightening, the movements and sounds that Nichole made, then the power was out and when it came back on Amber was sitting next to her and clutching a bear. The hand softly on Nichole with wide brown eyes staring and waiting was a perfect crown for the incredible scene. It was so poetic and so clear at the same time and I spend long nights trying to accomplish what Putnal did in that scene on page 3.

I also like that Nichole wasn’t a reader or writer. Too many times our protagonists are book lovers or writers or movie addicts and all the other billions of people that aren’t artistically oriented are forgotten about because the writer is channeling himself too much into the character. To write about a businessman or woman is always a feat.

Some small things I would change would be the overuse of “pseudo-intellectual” words, to borrow a term from Chris. Words like “vying,” “epitome,” “vast windows,” “incessant,” and others were used at times that seemed forced and only there for the sake of making the story have a larger vocabulary. Putnal has the iceberg effect done very well in the rest of the story but just because a word is accurate doesn’t mean it fits.

Also Amber is too articulate, she should say profound things but not so perfectly, let the gist be communicated but imagine a 7-year-old. And especially if she doesn’t have any siblings, she’s not going to be a very good talker.

Hats off to this story, I wish I would have read it before we workshopped it so I could have lathered more praise.