Katie Gillis’s story “Moving On” is
about a woman who picks out an outfit with difficulty then goes on a date and a
year later is engaged to the man she went on a date with. I think that Gillis
started well in her passing of time on the third page.
Months went by. Turner and Olivia
became inseparable. They were going on dates all through the week and weekends.
Olivia still focused on her work and her friends became astonished at how
quickly her and Turner have connected. The many months turned into a year. Their
relationship had become more serious in past months and their future plans
together began to come up more often.”
I often struggle with the passing
of time in my pieces and I think the way that Gillis incorporated small bits of
action within statements of time was successful in passing the time from when
Turner and Olivia met to when they got engaged. However, though it was good, I wanted
more of it. The whole piece was structure much more in novel or at least short
story form and the flash fiction length wasn’t satisfactory. If the story is
going to remain this short then it needs much more action like what is seen in
the dressing room and much more face to face interaction.
I also struggled with
characterization. When the story was over I knew what happened but not to whom
it happened because both Olivia and Turner remain very obscure.
I also don’t like the italics and ellipsis
on the second page and it took me out of the story. The ready knows that the
italicized lines are thoughts so it is distrusting and boring to the reader to
write them in italics and all capital letters.
More action, characterization, and
detail is needed.
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